Tag Archives: humour

12th August 2011

A heavy lid kind of grey day over us today, but I wore a new frock, black and cream, very spotty, very fifties, with high heeled patent shoes and buttons at the ankle socks, so it was OK!

heartbreakingly beautiful… always

Been with my parents since I left work tonight at five…

A couple of days ago Ma asked me if I could get her some hearing aid batteries. I immediately perked up as she’s had the sodding pair, festering, unused, battery acid leaking, ignored, for about six months, in a drawer next to her near her chair in their sitting room. She has shown no interest in them whatsoever since we finally (after six years of nagging) got her to sort out an appointment and subsequent fitting. We (the whole family) have long since given up nagging her to actually use them and have resorted to SHOUTING! and even, at (desperate) times, waving our arms in front of her face in a kind of wild semaphore. I investigated forthwith, managed to prise the little gits out of their casements, popped them in my purse and said I would, dutifully, replace them. So I did. On my way home from work tonight. 3 for 2 in Boots- Bought 18. Enough to dissolve the whole frigging drawer and the hinges on the doors below, no doubt, but one can never let a bargain go by…

Got there this evening to find them in good spirits. Ma passed me her hearing aids (still box fresh in their little plastic casings) informing me that she just can’t hear the telly anymore and, seeing as that all Pa does these days is watch the bloody thing… Ahh… all is now clear…

Anyway. Fitted the batteries. Fitted the hearing aids in Ma’s ears. Foraged for instructions on how to adjust the volume controls, and discovered six (further) boxes of batteries, not the ones I’d just purchased I hasten to add, sitting in the drawer next to her near her chair in their sitting room. Mmm I thought. Interesting. I gently pointed this out to both Ma and Pa and they laughed sheepishly, apolgised profusely and I muttered to myself as I decided it was now 6pm, Friday, the sun way past the yard arm and time for a glass of wine to rosaeate the proceedings, please.

I decided to cook their supper, a suggestion that was met with slight protestations from Ma, (she never, ever does any of the cooking anymore) and gleeful thanks from Pa (the lately appointed chief cook and bottle washer and everythingunderthesuner.) Armed with a glass of (sweet) rose wine I investigated the ingredients in the fridge. After turfing half the contents into the bin due to ‘out-of-date issues,’ I was left with bacon- 27 rashers, sausages-four, slightly wizened, black pudding- 6 slices, tomatoes- eight, large, M&S cheesy potato croquettes- 2 boxes, (eight in total), eighteen eggs, a jelly trifle, a treacle tart, an apple pie, a punnet of (just) OK raspberries, 3 cartons of extra thick cream, and seven assorted kinds of (rather dried up looking) red leicester cheese.

OK- mixed grill, I yelled. Half an hour later, smoke alarm shrieking at intervals, (I’m glad to know they aint gonna burn to death, unless they run out of batteries and the neighbours are all congenitally deaf) two parents, sitting at the table, glasses of wine at the ready, steaming plates of food in front of them. Result. Ma said- oh… two sausages… I don’t know… I interrupted. Just eat what you can Ma. No pressure. Two scraped plates, two empty bowls of trifle and a full dishwasher humming later, I left.

JD.

At least it reduced the time I’ll be spending alone on a Friday night.

Friday nights. What is it with me and them?

11th June 2011

Paris… Saturday

We had a lazy start and I went out with Nick to walk the dogs while Lee sorted out our lunch venue.. The dogs are Toby, Buckley and Harry, three adorable beagles. We lunched at the Restaurant in the Palais Royale which was very lovely. We had divine amuse-bouche, gorgeous bite-sized cheesy profiteroles washed down by some good champagne. They were so yummy we kept asking for another plate. I then consumed a tasty saffron risotto topped with a huge cray fish. Delicious.

Lee and I went off to see the Mme Gres exhibition at the Musee Bourdelle. This was stunning.

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Paris pays overdue homage to Madame Gres

By Sarah Shard (AFP) – Mar 23, 2011
PARIS — In her heyday Madame Gres dressed such style icons as Grace Kelly, Greta Garbo and Marlene Dietrich and the austere white salon of her couture house was described by the New York Times as “the most intellectual place in Europe to buy clothes”.
But when business declined and she sold out to maverick French entrepreneur Bernard Tapie, the house went into liquidation in 1988. Clothes were stuffed into bin bags in an ignominous end to nearly six decades in fashion, a rare feat by any standards.
Not before time, Paris is hosting a major retrospective to honour one of the greatest couturiers of the last century, with around 80 pieces of her work, as well as photographs from the likes of Henry Clarke, Richard Avedon and Cecil Beaton and a selection of drawings from the house’s archives.
Gres, whose original ambition had been to be a sculptor, was most famous for her drapery, turning women into living Grecian statues. So it is singularly fitting that the exhibition is being staged in the Bourdelle museum against a backdrop of classical sculptures, in a vast, airy space with natural light and plenty of room to walk around the exhibits and scrutinise them from every angle.
Gres worked in an unconventional way. She never bothered with paper patterns or “toiles”, dummy runs in muslin, for her creations. “She often said she started with a drawing or the material itself suggested what needed to be done with it,” says Olivier Saillard, who curated the exhibition.
She cut straight into the fabric and pinned it directly onto the models, often requiring them to stand patiently for hours on end while she made intricate adjustments to the sculptural pleats.
“I never sew,” she boasted, but she got through three pairs of scissors with every collection.
Her fetish fabric for evening gowns was silk jersey and every dress required between 13 and 21 metres, even more extravagant than Dior’s New Look. Lanvin’s chief designer Alber Elbaz recently mused “Where on earth did she manage to put all that material?”
The quality that stands out from her designs is timelessness. Many of the exhibits are so modern they could easily be worn today — like a 1930s draped black jersey gown: “It could be Tom Ford, it is so ‘glamour’,” says Saillard.
Effortless elegance, an ability to make the complicated look deceptively simple, and clear, fluid lines were her hallmark.
“She was minimalist before the term had even been invented,” says Saillard.
A classic example is a short-sleeved navy frock with simple knotted belt bought by the Duchess of Windsor.
Her designs were also surprisingly sensuous, often with bare backs an erogenous zone, at odds with their creator, who was physically very petite, bird-like, with pale skin, her hair always encased in her trademark turban. But appearances can be deceptive: Chanel’s biographer Edmonde Charles-Roux once acidly remarked that Gres was “a dictator disguised as a mouse”.
She had an almost monastic approach to her work. Would-be biographers or interviewers who asked her about famous people she knew — who included Edith Piaf, Paul Valery and Jean Cocteau — were given short shrift. “I have nothing to say. All I do is work, work, work.”
But in her later years, Saillard says, she allowed herself a few luxuries – like her blue Jaguar with mink interior. She even had a television installed, although she never watched it. She would scour the flea markets in Paris for antiques accompanied by her tetchy Pekinese Musig.
One of the most moving exhibits was likely her last dress, commissioned by the aristocratic designer Hubert de Givenchy in 1986.
A strong silhouette with a kimono-influenced ballooning back, in a blood red and orange floral print, it could have been designed by Rei Kawakubo at Comme des Garcons, Saillard says.
By that time, sadly, Gres did not even have a box with her house’s name on it to deliver it. Givenchy later donated it to Paris’ Galliera fashion museum.
She died in a retirement home in 1995, aged 90.
The only two designers Gres expressed admiration for were Cristobel Balenciaga and Yves Saint Laurent, so it is touching that when the museum was offered 2,900 drawings from her house’s archives, the YSL/Berge foundation stumped up the money.
Saint Laurent’s righthand man Pierre Berge told Saillard: “Madame Gres is one of the reasons why we went into fashion.”
The exhibition runs until July 24 at the Musee Bourdelle.
Copyright © 2011 AFP. All rights reserved.

That evening we ate the best Lebanese food ever. It was all so good my mouth is watering just thinking about it now, three weeks later. We had about sixteen different dishes, a mix of veggie and meaty, a good rose and fabulous conversation. We spent most of the evening in fits of giggles. Particularly when, for some inexplicable reason Lee accused me of looking like Mo Mowlam… I know! While I was protesting wildly Nick was busying himself on his phone. Suddenly he let out a loud guffaw and showed us what he’d found. Yes, indeed… a very unflattering picture of my doppelganger. Lee still refused to take it back though. So mean. So very mean.

I Am Dog

And another one from today, inspired by the reading of a Simon Armitage poem- ‘The Christening’ which begins… ‘I am a Sperm Whale…’

Otto

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I sit and pose, make my eyes big and wide,
tilt my head to one side.
I know how it makes me look
for I have noted your reaction.
Your face softens
as does the timbre of your voice.

But you irritate me with your regulations.
‘Off!’ you say, just when I’m comfortably curled
on the large plump cushions of your favourite chair.
‘In your bed!’ you command as the doorbell rings.
I only want to see who it is,
Say ‘Hello,’ have a sniff.
What’s so wrong with that?

And as for your obsession with the bin-
why are you so protective of the treasures held within
its ugly grey plastic confines?
If all that food is to be thrown
why begrudge me? What happened to
‘Waste not, want not?’
For I’m telling you… I want
and I’ll not waste a crumb, a speck, a jot.

29th April 2011 [2]

This music and video so encompass how I feel right now. Thanks Isaac… for showing me the below link to Killian Martin and thus a serendipitous discovery… Patrick Watson. Two amazing music vids. Enjoy.

Isn’t excellence divine? In any form? Killian Martin… Skate Regeneration

So… Thursday morning… Ma’s condition worsened… I paid a visit early and realised I needed to take action. She was completely delusional. I called the doc who agreed to a house call. While we waited I blitzed the kitchen, cleared the fridge, emptied the cupboards. Within five minutes of arrival the doc agreed Ma should be admitted for tests, a brain scan, and a sorting of her broken wrist as her five digits had ballooned into fat purple sausages… and let’s not forget her seeping legs. God, how can one human being become such a mess so quickly?
The ambulance came at 6.30- busy times- they were lovely- as they always are, but late… I hold paramedics in such high estimation. They are amazing. And they rise above difficult situations… always.
I arrived with the ambulance and got Ma settled in the ward. I left Dad at home- his relief was palpable- bless him.  I knew he had M&S ready meals that were burning a hole into his psyche. He needed to cook/re-heat, in peace. I was worried about Ma’s hand. Kicked up a fuss. Got the night nurses backs up, one of them said ‘I can assure you every one on this ward has integrity… we will do what is required’. I said- ‘Sorry… but it’s not about you… it’s not about your integrity… I’m just concerned about my mother…’ and in the end, even though it was exactly what I SO didn’t want to do, (control freak as I can be at times…) I burst in to tears. And that made the difference. I suddenly had every one round me. Concerned. I got what I wanted, obliquely. They changed and things happened. Life is weird.
Got home about 11pm to 9 teenagers partying. I knew they would be- it had been planned for a long time and I hadn’t had the heart to cancel due to my change in circumstances. I know what evenings like this mean to teenagers- I can remember. But as I opened the door, heard the drum and bass, smelt the beer, I dipped into the loo, smoked a fag, took a few minutes to gather myself. Eventually Julius came to find me… asked if I was Ok and I said yes. I emerged, sort of smiling.
I made a cup of tea and took myself upstairs, phoned a friend, felt boulstered, came down, joined the throng and chilled for half an hour. Finally crept to bed and slept like the dead. The boys were good. They didn’t disturb me.
I woke energised. Today has been better. Mum is still utterly doolally but I think we are getting somewhere. I spent most of the afternoon getting her arm x-rayed and re-plastered and re-x-rayed… I now have a job as a hospital porter, I’m very good- can direct lost folk if required, and I know a lot about fractures. And dangers. I asked so many questions, demanded to see the x-rays… the registrar asked if I worked in the hospital. :D
Ma and I had a hilarious conversation… She hasn’t lost her sense of humour…
Ma: ‘When your father arrived this afternoon I asked him where my Mother was. He said- ‘She’s in heaven…’ and I said, ‘Oh… is she?’ She looked at me with a wide eyed innocence that made me want to pull her to me and crush her in my arms.
Me: ‘Oh… and what did you say?’
Ma:  slightly exasperated… ‘As I said, Oh… is she?. And then your father, slightly crossly, ‘She’s dead. She died twenty years ago.”
Me: ‘Oh… and what did you say?’
Ma: ‘Oh… yes. I think now… I remember.’ She looked at me and added, ‘He wasn’t being cruel… He was just giving me the facts.’ And she chuckled. I joined her.
When we got back to the ward we were told she had a new bed. I packed up her stuff and followed the hospital porter. He took us the back-route short-cut through wards and corridors and lifts you wouldn’t know existed. It was like being on the film set of ‘The Adjustment Bureau.’ Amazing…
And now I’m home… writing this. The boys are back from their Dad’s, earlier than I thought, via Pat and Sam, and I’m glad. We’ve chatted, shared information. Think I’m going to get some sleep. Maybe post a poem… Hope I haven’t depressed you too much. I’m OK. She’s OK. He’s OK. We’re OK. It’s life. We’ll get there… wherever ‘there’ may be…

25th April 2011

Easter Monday…

Clematis in my garden, early morning sun, a song thrush seranading me from the silver birch tree. Cup of tea and a fag, peace, a small slice of heaven.

I was reminded of one of my favourite poems and one of the few I have always been able to recite by heart. It says everything that I feel deep down about the beautiful country we live in and at moments like that I cast aside all discontent and politics and just relish it’s beauty.

HOME THOUGHTS, FROM ABROAD

O, to be in England
Now that April ‘s there,
And whoever wakes in England
Sees, some morning, unaware,
That the lowest boughs and the brushwood sheaf
Round the elm-tree bole are in tiny leaf,
While the chaffinch sings on the orchard bough
In England—now!
And after April, when May follows,
And the whitethroat builds, and all the swallows!
Hark, where my blossom’d pear-tree in the hedge
Leans to the field and scatters on the clover
Blossoms and dewdrops—at the bent spray’s edge—
That ‘s the wise thrush; he sings each song twice over,
Lest you should think he never could recapture
The first fine careless rapture!
And though the fields look rough with hoary dew,
All will be gay when noontide wakes anew
The buttercups, the little children’s dower
—Far brighter than this gaudy melon-flower!

Robert Browning

And a love song…

This was one of six 7″ singles we had in our sixth form common room and it seems odd to hear it without the crackles and jumps. Dig the clothes Clifford. I dedicate this to my dear friend David B… I know you’ll read this eventually x

It’s probably a cliche, perhaps even a little boring and oh so English… but the weather! I look like I’ve spent a week in the Med… We’ve had such a glorious, relaxing Easter, full of love, laughter and family. Nice. So nice. Just nice…

My parents came round yesterday, arrived at twelve, and we were all showered and dressed for once- amazing! Ma is so frail these days, it breaks my heart. But she made the effort and really enjoyed herself. Pat and Sam popped in with eggs for the boys and lots of hugs and kisses, both looking remarkably well. They stayed for longer than they intended which was very welcome. What really made Ma and Pa’s day though was the unexpected appearance of JC, with more eggs and more hugs and kisses- for them I hasten to add, not me! I do find it slightly amusing that he feels comfortable enough to hop over the gate uninvited but I am definitely not expected to behave in the same way. Hey Ho… I have nothing to hide!

Pa was a little tearful. He’s so emotional- and I seem to be getting more and more like him- lovely though. He really does love that man… (JC). Ma managed to stay awake until after she’d eaten which was a boon and Pa was on fine form generally. I cooked a rather delicious leg of lamb speared with much garlic, served with Red’s crashpot fennel-seed potatoes, cardamon and orange chanteray carrots, spinach, onion sauce, redwine and wholegrain mustard gravy. Shop bought puds but Waitrose did us proud. Yum! We all had a post prandial snooze- me in the swing chair in the sun-  grandparents indoors and they didn’t leave till after five. Good going.

I’ve been very inspired this weekend and have written lots. Poems and stories are coming thick and fast and my keyboard is smokin’! I must have found myself a new muse… I’ve been given some advice over where to submit them so I can’t post many of them yet…

I’ve finished Pynter Bender by Jacob Ross. It’s a truly wonderful read. I heartily recommend it. I have never been lucky enough to visit the Caribbean but I really feel I know Grenada now, the smells and the textures and the hearts and the minds of the people. What’s more, I really want to visit! The novel is set in a truly interesting time in the islands history and is an important book in so many ways. Mr Ross writes with the prose of a poet and his imagery is breathtakingly beautiful, yet entirely accessible. It is as much a coming of age novel, as a historical and political document, as a social commentary, as a work of art. Read it. I defy you not to enjoy.

I am now reading his second volume of short stories,

A Way to Catch the Dust. They are by turns dark, tragic, laugh out loud funny, beautiful and essentially about the human condition and that mystery we call love in all it’s forms; love of children, of lovers, of the earth, of one’s country, of ones fellow human being. I am enthralled. Another recommendation.

I dropped of the elder two of my three children in Hallaton at mid-day for another annual beer and violence fest. ‘Bottle Kicking’. We were diverted and I dutifully followed the signs until I ended up at this… Thanks AA…

Last year Isaac was concussed by a loaf of bread… this year who knows. I will perhaps update you anon. I charged them all with a decent pick up time as I understood F and J had school in the morning. However I have since been reliably informed that school does not, in fact, start until wednesday. Thank God some of us are on the ball. Pity it isn’t me. That would have been rather embarrassing! The housemaster thinks I’m a little barmy as it is. My reputation as a wonderfully organised and focussed mother would have been instantly in tatters. Again… Hey Ho… You’ve got to smile :D

Happy Holidays! I’m in love with every single one of you tonight… X

8th April 2011

The Heavenly Chair of Enlightenment [or] The Throne of the Stoned-man of Ferreirolla.

I’m home... And it’s so peaceful. Really lovely actually. All the doors are wide open and the lambs are nibbling grass through the fence. The sun is setting and on the ridge a silhouetted tractor, a black cut-out shape of a tractor, is trundling across the peachy sky. There is one black lamb amongst a dozen or more white. I want him. I entice him over. He sucks my finger. The dogs almost devour me in their enthusiasm. Otto has been stripped, Bruce groomed- (thank you Michelle, as always!) and they look so pretty. (Smell pretty too- for a while at least…) I love going away, but it’s also great to be home. Thank you Antonia. It’s so special to be met from the airport by a friend- someone who’ll let you babble incessantly- like a teenager back from Uni after her first fine term of learning and drunken debauchery. Not that there was ANY of the latter… although a considerable quantity of wine was consumed last night, the last night. No… this week has been one of the best weeks for a long, long time, possibly of my life. I do not say that lightly. It has not been without its downs and one (maybe two) major crisis [crises] of confidence, but the lows merely serve as counterbalance to the highs.

I have learnt so much, thanks to the beautiful Jacob Ross [JR]

http://www.jacobrossonline.com/the_author.html

a superb and inspirational tutor, and the benign presence of Margaret Drabble [DD] and Nell Dunn [ND] (incidentally, ND is a very stylish woman.) In our first session we were asked to talk a little about our writing selves and what we hoped to gain and/or achieve from the course/holiday.

I said… I feel like a tap that has been lying dormant, neglected, for a long time. It has just been turned on and at first the water runs impure, a dirty brown. I know that I have to write it out, write through it and gradually there will be a cleansing, the quality will improve as I learn. I said- I am here to learn the craft of writing. I believe there is a craft and much can be learnt. I now understand there is also a craft in reading. Thank you Jacob… who re-enforced a great deal of what the fabulous Polly Tuckett has taught me… (Short Fuse Leicester- see link), and Rod Duncan of course,

http://www.rodduncan.co.uk/

and last but not least, the inimitable Jean Binta Breeze

http://www.contemporarywriters.com/authors/?p=auth169

I liken it to my own craft of the last 30 years- fashion design. I tell my young graduates that in order to create a wonderful, new, exciting, groundbreaking piece one must first learn how to make a dress that skims and clings and fits in all the right places with sleeves and a neckline that are pretty, neat, sexy, (for we all want to feel that) yet allow ease of movement, and ultimately, that people desire. One can learn what works and why and then, and only then, can one turn it upside down and be truly innovative.

Three little things…

1] I wrote a story in our first class that Dame Margaret Drabble and Nell Dunn [Full names required here for emphasis, not that Im star struck or anything...)  attended and read it out, (talk about shaking, Beardtongue...) and DD complimented me on it afterwards.[!]

2] I read the ‘reveal’ of my story/novel, which I finally managed to write, out there, to the whole group on our last-night-party, again to DD, ND and JR and all my fellow literary adventurers. How fucking cool is that!!! And both DD and ND spoke to me about it afterwards- said it was a ‘powerful’ story. JR was also entirely supportive. So I did have ‘a few’ to celebrate! I’ve just got to get on and write it now.

3] People are amused by the way I dress and my clothes obsession- (and the stupid fact that I packed 12 frocks, 7 pairs of shoes, not enough sweaters and no rain coat for a writers retreat in April in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada mountains. It does nobody any harm and at best… it can lighten a grey day. Plus, I like being amusing :)

DD, ND and JR are great people, clever and witty and part of all circles so writerly. I am in awe. But here I also need to mention Becky Swift, who along with her partner runs TLC… The Literary Consultancy. They provide a manuscript reading and mentoring service as well as wonderful holidays.

http://www.literaryadventures.co.uk/tutors.php

Becky is such a truly special person, knowledgable, intellectual, approachable, connected, creative, funny and a big bearhug of a woman. I like her very much.

And Casa Ana, where we stayed. Perfect.

http://www.casa-ana.com/ All the food was SO good. Highly recommended.

All of it, all of them.

Lastly, I need to mention my two special friends (as in special to me, not special needs) and new writing partners- Lee Wallace, one of the funniest, intellectual, culturally informed, yet least pretentious men I have ever had the delight to meet (Nick is a lucky man.) Long Live The White Angel! And Tracey Morton… an all round joy wrapped in considerable talent accompanied by Irish-eyes smiles and the most seditious laugh ever. I miss you both already and my life is richer for having met you. Our dorm night is a memory I shall always treasure :)

Nice… Really nice… So nice… Just nice.


View from the mountain above the magical ‘Threshing Circle.’

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