Monthly Archives: February 2011

February 27th 2011

Home 27/02/2011 Comments: 4

Four things that have made me smile since yesterday…

1.) Otto reminding me that I do, after all, love him.

Otto, a dog after my own heart... willing to dress up in anything if it means you get a bit of attention.

Which I needed as he spent half of Friday planning and then carrying out ‘The Great Escape.’ The kids watched him digging an enormous hole under the fence… found it highly amusing, took him about 2 hours. I caught him just in the nick of time when only his little back paws were visible from the edge of the lunar-like crater he’d made. What a bloody mess- stones, earth, debris all over the path and decking. Little git.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2.) Julius had a bath in my bathroom and afterwards I found he’d left two little men. Made me want to squeeze him…

We are strong men. Come play with us...

He used to play with these wrestlers all the time and he still has about thirty of them in a basket- never quite been able to part with them. Nowadays he stands beside me, almost my height, voice deep like his brothers, hair on his upper lip, torso suddenly reshaped, but somewhere inside my little boy, my baby still resides.

Oooh, love him :D

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3.) Jo sent me these.

We’re going to do a book together- my words, her drawings. I had this idea about Hit-cat and a group of crazy mates with special powers, a bit like a Feline Misfits… This is the beginning. She’s so clever…

We’ve got a similar warped and weird sense of humour so we collaborate well. She’s madly drawing different characters and then we’ll start working on the story.

Fun…

 

 

4.) Sam is coming out od hospital TODAY!!!

I can’t believe it, 5 days after a triple by-pass at 77 years old. He’s amazing!

We went to see him yesterday and he was wandering down the corridor looking remarkably healthy, proudly showing off his scar to all and sundry. He made us laugh so much regaling us with tales of all his weird and wonderful morphine induced hallucinations. Hilarious. It will be great to have him home.

So

Poems 27/02/2011 Comments: 5


so maybe it’s a game we wish to play.

I’m really not quite sure. perhaps you’re

other wise engaged… lost in mundane chores

three thousand miles away, my night your day,

examining an aubergine, a cut

of lamb, the texture of a cumquat for

a slow duet for two tagine baked supper?

perhaps you’re editing your uncut

reams, silky brown-pooled dreams that only

you can whittle into shape, or counting

man u’s goals on satellite, or drawing

on our deep held new delved memories?

your words of storms and aneurysms make

me laugh, then cry a thousand fathom lake.


February 26th 2011

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Oh My God!!! I don't believe it- wagers placed on how long it would be before I cried... 3 seconds I believe

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

I love you... no... no... I fucking love you... I think that's how it went.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look... still got my own teeth. I'm so happy... I love you all SO much

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get it down your neck lass... don't worry about a glass, I agree, they are a little small.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jo sent me these this week… My Surprise ( and it bloody was!) 50th birthday party. Definitely one of the best days of my life. Still get butterflies thinking about it, smile as I remember; Isaac and Fergus and their speeches, and Pa’s, Pat’s face, so scared I wouldn’t be happy, so many friends and family and the miles they’d travelled, the food everyone brought, silver bracelets, letters in envelopes, Tacey’s photo album, dancing for hours, staying up all night talking, walking across the fields as the sun rose in my posh frock, wellies and a big sweater, still drinking whisky on the swing chairs the next day when everyone arrived to help clear up, not sobering up till the following morning. So much fun. Thank you all again for making it so special.

Well… Feel a lot better today.

Spent most of yesterday sitting in my favourite chair, computer on my knee. Writing my diary, remembering events that took place thirty years ago, emailing and reading through the miles and time zones. Felt exhilarated and maudlin by turns. Almost fused with the cushions.

The Hunt happened in my field. Watched for ages. Always feel ambivalent towards the Hunt… Love the spectacle;  the elegance of their dress, the horses primed, excited, energy barely reigned in, the crazy mad hounds, the sound of the horns, but feel weird about Fantastic Mr Fox…

A mad hatter hare came careering across in front of us- maybe they were chasing him- but the hounds all ran off in the opposite direction and they disappeared somewhere out of view.

I’m looking forward to the release of Elbow’s new album next week, just booked tickets to see them Nottingham, March 17th, Taking Josie and Tim for her birthday. Follow this link and see them perform a lovely track

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NItwaz0nLJA

I’ve just heard I’ve had two poems accepted for publication in an anthology… Leicester Writers published by Pewter Rose. My first submission and my first acceptance, very exciting. I feel that’s a good start, almost six months to the day that I began this new writing journey. I feel I’ve come a long way and learnt so much. Wonderful really, new skills acquired, new people met, new social life, new friends made, new challenges set-  just what I needed to fill the gaping hole left by disappointing men…

I’m looking forward to Word! next week. Can’t decide which poem to perform- State of Independence, which would be good practice for the event on the 19th March at the University, (find link below) or I Trusted You… give a new one an airing… it’s a little sexy though and as I performed The Corset at my first, will it type cast me? Ha Ha, do I care? Seeing as most of my poems are about relationships and sex, probably most apt.

http://www.statesofindependence.co.uk/

Spent a couple of hours enjoying following links and discovered these that I’d like to share. I loved these two performance poets strutting their stuff. David J is amazing. So clever…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2Ek-e434Kc&feature=related David J

And this one is just so right, can’t wait for Glastonbury this year. And Latitude with Jo again. Last year was SUCH fun. God I love them. I’d like to spend the summer just bouncing from one to another. In another life… I like the way that Jo Bell’s is a found poem… Really cool.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvZDp1cXpzk&feature=related Jo Bell Glastopoem.

My dear friend Ms Hiles came to pamper me yesterday evening. She’s been seeing to my general physical upkeep and maintenance (Very important especially as we get older to keep everything, well oiled, greased, smoothed, filed and trimmed, and to book in for a regular service. Every three to four weeks works for me.)  for… oooh, must be seven years now. Can’t quite believe it’s that long, but it must be. She has healing hands, I swear, and no one does a pedicure like her. So- if you feel like being beautified in the comfort of your own home look no further.

http://www.roamspa.com/

OK.

Off to the hospital now to see Sam the Man. He’s doing amazingly well and has been moved from the High Dependency Unit and is walking and showering. Bloody fantastic! Think I’ll take the dogs to the canal after that and then I’m out this evening with my dearest friends Pascal and Kate. Not seen them since Christmas. If the evening runs true to form I’ll have a hangover tomorrow but it will all have been well worth it.

February 25th 2011

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I’ve been writing this while lying in bed, feeling rather weird, not well at all. I don’t think I slept for more than one minute last night. Im just back from the Doctor and I’ve crawled under the duvet again, but I still can’t sleep.

I posted a new poem yesterday The Ballad of Barrow-on-Sands and the other person mentioned in it, the hero, the one who returned for me rather than his camera, although he did admit last night that he was rather torn… because it was new… well… he remembered that it took place at Seaham.

I explored Google Earth (God I love it!) and found these pics. Just as I remembered… You can see how high the waves ride, how they crash over the pier. Terrifying to see how long the damn thing is as well. That is the nearest I have ever come to dying I swear, (and you know how I like to do that!) Nearer even than when I spun my Beetle on the M1, hit the crash barrier, then a lorry, then the crash barrier again and ended up facing the wrong way in the inside lane…

Gosh… took a journey down Memory Lane last night, big time. So many memories, so vivid. Times I haven’t thought of in years. WTF did the last thirty years go…? as my friend said to me. They didn’t go very far, is my answer. Just a few brain cells deeper than the present.

I think I’ve sent him foraging around the past too… I think I feel a little guilty, but only a little, a very little.

Sam the Man is doing well after his surgery. I went to see him yesterday and felt very relieved. I even saw the scar as they’d just been cleaning him up, removing his drain. An excellent bit of embroidery… that’s for sure.

I missed all my poetry events, classes, writers club, everything this week… I’m not sure why, other than I’ve been completely exhausted, feeling an obsessive need to spend every waking minute either writing poems, stories, this diary or emailing long lost and found again friend, and finally feeling vaguely agoraphobic, which does come over me every so often. Or maybe it’s more of a desire to hunker down, remain unwashed and undressed all day, talk to no one, eat fish finger sandwiches and boiled eggs… I’ve not even wanted to walk the dogs… don’t worry they’ve not been cooped up pining for the great outdoors, I wouldn’t be that cruel.

I need to doze again… come over all queasy. it’s looking at that rough sea I think. I need drugs… and tea.

He has found this…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dsbxxWpNUcc

Jesus. Should have come with some kind of health warning.

Kind of beautiful though…

February 22nd 2011

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February 20th

Had a luvverly evening even though my dear friend Sarah told me I was rude because I was late- she was pissed though… and I am often… late I mean, not rude… or pissed… I was a good girl, home just after midnight with Jules, didn’t fall over once, woke up nice and fresh early this morning. Walked the dogs along the canal- good to find it unfrozen finally, and we all got very muddy. Showered us all- not together I hasten to add, that would’ve been weird. Spent the rest of the morning writing and cooked Jules and I a fry-up for brunch. Yum. Pootled off to Mountsorrel for Tara’s baby shower brandishing a large bag containing a thousand variations on the theme of a baby-gro. Gorgeous to see everyone. especially the mum-to-be who I vividly remember as a toddling baby. Scary. Time moves on- in fast motion, speeded up time-lapse, technicolour  journey. Can’t wait to meet Finlay Steven Bishop :)

Swung by home, picked up Jules, picked up Ferg from Sarah’s and dropped in on Ma and Pa. Ma was out of it, not in a good place. She couldn’t hold a conversation. We didn’t stay long as she seemed eager to sleep. She looked so fragile and tiny and Dad looked tired. Know I should spend more time with them but I need more hours…

Off to Glenfield to see Sam. He was very well and happy with his new PJ’s, slippers, dressing gown and socks. I forgot the hearing aid batteries doh! brain like a sieve- so we just talked loudly and entertained all the other inmates.

Home, supper- the boys made stir fry-, and back to my lover, my mac… beavered away for a couple of hours in self-indulgent bliss. Midnight… the phone rang…. Thought it might be about Sam so answered with slight trepidation but it was Pa. He was worried about Ma- she was having a ‘funny turn,’ didn’t recognise him, kept telling him to go home. I think I managed to reassure him a little, arranged to go round first thing in the morning and went to bed leaving my phone on. Read till late, slept fitfully.

February 21st

Spent all morning with Ma and Pa. She was better than I expected and a little more of this world than yesterday. We talked a lot and I tried to get her to open up about how she was feeling, what was worrying her, what was going on in her mind, tried to get them both to talk to each other. Old age really is a bag0wank… nothing good about it. I need to be more patient I know. I think the crux of Ma is that she cannot, will not accept things. She rails against her failing body, her slipping mind, yet also will not push herself to get out and about, stimulate herself either physically or mentally and I get cross with her, even though I know I have no right and really have no idea how she really feels… hence my poem, State of Independence… My attempt to climb inside her head, fucking scary!

Jo arrived with lunch and I left for work. Had my management meeting and off-loaded re the awful appraisal on Friday which was good and just what I needed. I got a lot of support from my wonderful team and we worked out a cool solution to what seemed to be and insurmountable problem. There is no such thing… I know! ONWARDS…

Many meetings later I arrived home very late and Jo and I decided we were both far too knackered to attend the poetry shindig we were going to, so stayed in and got pissed instead. I love her company so much it was good just to be with her and talk talk talk the night away. We consumed vast quantities of alcohol and decided to journey down memory lane. We left emails and messages with people we’ve not spoken to for years, old school friends, college friends and finally embarked upon a mission to find my first boyfriend… A certain guy who was an incredibly talented illustrator/designer and when we’d last been in touch he’d been studying for an MA at the RCA. Both of us had tried in the past to look him up to no avail but we both felt sure he was somewhere being completely amazing. We looked and we searched, we followed link after link, we ended up at more dead ends than a drunk meandering through Hampton Court Maze… We phoned up a complete stranger… twice… because he had mentioned him a couple of times on his website biog… he ended up hanging up on us… so rude… we contacted an old tutor of Jo’s who had been at the RCA with him, we discovered an eponymous chef who was fat and self congratulatory in equal measure, and a really naff interior designer. Then finally…

… we found him!

And wow fucking wow… I won’t post a link until I’ve checked out he’s OK with it… he may not wish to be associated with me and life, after all, can be complicated enough without some mad ex ex ex ex girlfriend suddenly making contact and plastering the fact all over her blog… Mind you he is super cool and living in NYC!

Suffice to say it was worth the effort. We phoned him… and he picked up… shocked (poor sod!)…. we had a long and drunken (on my part) conversation, we have exchanged several even longer hilarious (on his part) emails and I’m in a whirly swirl of emotions and memories, warm and delicious…

Just this minute heard Sam- Pa-in-law- is out of theatre, in recovery, op went well, moving onto the ICU and we can visit tomorrow after 11am. HOORAH! Perhaps I shall sleep easier tonight. I’ve booked a day off tomorrow so I can go see him whenever. Bless and thank you… who ever :)

The adorable and talented Joe Little and his band Peyote will be appearing at the O2 arena in Bristol on 27th March Oi Oi Oi I am so proud… details will follow when I get official link. Need to go see I think… meanwhile check them out…

http://soundcloud.com/peyotemusic/big-exit

Cool.

I suddenly feel quite happy even though I’ve just seen the pictures from those kind ministers of justice… me driving in a 30 mph zone at 38mph. The picture is unmistakably of me… and I’ve quite clearly got a fag on… Thank fuck I’m not on the phone :)

Watch this space- there may be an ad placed soon…

Driver needed- to ferry around an utterly disorganised over extended ridiculously optimistic nutter for several months due to speeding ban. 24 hours availability required, no questions asked, no answers given, discretion imperative, tolerance a bonus,  GSOH essential.

Let’s wait and see.

Got six points already, three convictions pending… Shit… Know a good solicitor though… you know who you are… I’m counting on you sweetheart.

I Trusted You

Poems 20/02/2011 Comments: 4

you shaved me once.

it was your most concupiscent act.

you sowed your seed a season or more before

watched it flourish unchecked,

mature until we both could see nought else.

but then, at last, the reaping hour.

holding my bony hips moving betwixt

my thighs, kissing the unfurling swirl,

the unwinding whirl of me, I unravelled.

needy, greedy, vulpine, with scopophilic hunger

you cross-examined me minutely with your eyes,

pulled apart a flaw’d defence with skillfil tease.

rendered useless, lust-flushed, loose-limbed,

fuzz-blurred around the edges, I lay back and let you

wash me. silken soapsud fingertips made concentrated

tracery, all true. you pulled apart my origami

folds, as if to groom a furling-furrowed, madder-rose

Shar Pei, held your blade on high, all master-grave,

shaved me close, swished your swathing-scythe up,

down, o’er hills and dales, moist-moiling through.

blushing perfect-soft, moleskin velvet-smooth,

my tonsure newly blessed, just how you liked it,

so you said and laughed, and then I wept.

I know not why, except for how I trusted you.

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